E 88 Wanting Is Not A Plan
Last week we got into the neuroscience of what making does for your brain. The dopamine, the serotonin, the flow states, the cognitive reserve. All of it real, all of it documented.
And all of it is worth taking seriously as far as your wellbeing is concerned.
This week I want to ask the follow-up question. Because knowing what making can do for you and actually getting those benefits are two different things. All that research can only deliver under a specific condition, and that condition depends solely on you! Most of us have never stopped to check whether that condition is actually being met in their own practice. Let’s do that today.
Before I get into the meat of this, let me preface this by saying-
There is nothing wrong with sitting down to make something just because you feel like making something. That is a completely legitimate reason to pick up a needle or sit down at a machine or pull out the sketchbook. Making for the simple pleasure of making has real value. We established that last week with the research. Even that version of making is way better for your brain than scrolling.
So, this episode is not a criticism of making for its own sake. It's an invitation to look at this a bit deeper, perhaps take it one step further. Because there are two very different ways to show up in the studio and they produce two very different outcomes over time.
The first one I'll call doing. You sit down and you make things. You use what you know. You work through a project. You finish it or you don't. Either way you were doing something. It felt good. You calmed down. You enjoyed the process. Now you’re done for the moment. Excellent. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
The second one I'll call pursuing. You sit down with the intention of getting a little bit better at making things. It’s not solely about getting something done but becoming a more capable maker than you were the last time you sat down. The goal is not just the finished object. It's what you learn on the way to the finished object. Great! Nothing wrong with that either.
Certainly nothing wrong with a little of both.
Now. From the outside these two things can look completely identical. Same materials. Same tools. Same techniques. Same studio. From-the-outside.
But the internal experience is completely different. And what that difference produces over time is hard to see while you’re doing it.
The doing maker gets better slowly or not at all because those sessions aren't designed to produce growth. Those sessions are aimed at a particular destination – the completion of something. The pursuing maker compounds. Every session teaches something the next one uses. Those sessions are aimed at internal growth whether anything gets produced or not. And after a few years the difference between those two makers - who looked identical sitting at the same machine - is significant and visible in the work.
So, the question we’re asking today is simple. Which one are you actually doing right now? Like I said, nothing wrong with either. Especially in combination. But mastery, growth, testing your edges doesn’t happen without the latter.
Here is where things get sticky.
Wanting something, even really, really badly, and being willing to do what it takes to get it are not the same thing. I have heard people treat them as if they are. They say they want to get better, they say they want to develop their skill, they say they want to build a serious body of work - and they’re earnest in saying it. The wanting part is real. But wanting and willing are different animals entirely.
Being willing to do what it takes means making some serious decisions and that is the sticky part.
That means making the choices that actually close the distance between where you are and where you want to be. Not talking about closing it. Not planning to close it. Not wishing, dreaming and visualizing. Making the specific decisions, repeatedly, that move you in that direction.
And many makers - if they're being really honest with themselves - are doing a lot more wanting than deciding.
Gay Hendricks - American psychologist, writer, and teacher in the field of personal growth, relationships, and intelligence - said something that I've thought about for years and I actually have it hanging in my office. "If you argue for your limitations, you get to keep them." The maker who keeps explaining why they can't get better right now, why the conditions aren't right, why they'll get serious about it later - they're arguing for their limitations. And the cool thing is, they get to keep them. Every time. No one is going to wrestle them away from you.
The pursuing orientation requires a decision. A real one. Made consciously every time you sit down. Am I here to pass the time or am I here to get better? Most people have never asked themselves that question out loud. They just sit down and make things and then wonder why, sometimes, the satisfaction feels thinner than they expected.
There is nothing wrong with either of them. It’s just that the first one happens by default. The second happens only by choice.
So, what does pursuing actually look like from the inside?
For me it's never really been a single moment of deciding to pursue mastery. It's more of a series of multiple points when I find myself in a state of curiosity about how things work, why they work, why they sometimes don't. I have always wanted to understand the thing underneath the thing. Not just how to do it but why doing it that way produces that result and how doing it differently produces something else. For me it looks like curiosity – the “what else?” bug in my brain.
That curiosity is what kept me from being satisfied with just executing duties. And it's fundamentally why working for someone else eventually stopped working for me. In most employed situations you are hired to do a specific thing a specific way at a specific time. You're not necessarily hired to question it or improve it or pursue a better version of it. You do the job. And for someone wired with that curiosity bug, who loved the why and how and what about if scenarios, that eventually becomes a kind of low-grade misery. The pursuit was happening at home in whatever margins were left after work. Until the margins weren't enough anymore.
The realization - helped along by a coach who could see the patterns I was too close to see myself - was that the thing I was pursuing at home was the thing that mattered. And even more importantly, the pursuing part- regardless of what I was doing, was what really lit me up. I needed to stop treating it like a hobby I was lucky to have time for and start treating it like the actual work.
That's the pursuing orientation in practice. It’s not a technique you learn from a video. It’s not a five-step strategy. It’s a fundamental orientation toward getting better that shapes every decision about what to make, how to make it, and what to do when it doesn't work the way you expected.
Okay, so a bit of research to back this up here- because I’m a geek about these things. Now you know why. Anders Ericsson spent decades studying expert performance across multiple fields. Musicians, chess players, athletes, surgeons. And what he found - consistently, across every domain he studied - is that the thing separating experts from experienced non-experts was not how much time they had spent. It was the quality of attention during that time. He called it deliberate practice. Great terms. It is focused time, at the edge of current capability, (remember- testing those edges) with the clear intention to improve - and immediate feedback on whether you're improving. That produces expertise.
Doing the same things in the same ways repeatedly - even for decades - produces experience without expertise. And experience without growing expertise can look very accomplished from the outside while feeling surprisingly thin and somewhat blah from the inside.
That's the difference. And it maps directly onto the doing versus pursuing idea.
Now I want to add a caveat here because I don't want you to think that everything should be pursued with maximum intensity all the time. That's not what I'm saying. Remember, I said a combination was best. But let’s just add another layer here.
Not everything is worth the pursuing orientation. Right/ I mean, not everything deserves that level of intensity. That's a real and legitimate position. The question is whether you're making that assessment directly or using it as cover for something else.
Here’s what I mean. I no longer pursue having my own design line. I spent thirty years in the garment industry. When I left I thought maybe I'd go into custom bridal or special occasion work. The name, the logo, the labels, and support personnel. But when I actually did it I found I wasn't invigorated by it. Not like I had expected to be. I was tired. Not tired from the work itself but tired of that particular chapter. I hope that makes sense. The market had changed. The environment had changed. And I had changed. I wanted what was next, not another version of what I'd already done.
And that’s what I mean by that particular chapter.
So, I made a decision. Not to pursue it. And that was a genuine decision.
Here's how I know it was genuine and not an excuse. I didn't just stop pursuing bridal and then sit around lamenting that I couldn't do it. I moved toward something else, started asking questions, started looking under rocks and in corners (in my head, not in actual corners, to be clear here) and found things I found genuinely interesting. Textile art. Fabric manipulation on wood panels and canvas. The places where fabric goes when it's not making clothing. That forward movement - toward something real, not just away from something hard - is what distinguishes actual discernment from the excuse version.
Was that uncomfortable and hard? Absolutely! Was it scarry to give up what I knew I could do well for something I wasn’t an expert in? You bet! Was it inconvenient? Uh-Huh! Were there easier things I could have hidden behind to avoid the leap of faith? Of course there was. There’s always an easier road to take. Just don’t make the decision and you can sit down.
The excuse version sounds like this. I've decided this isn't worth pursuing. I don’t want to do all that work. I really don’t want to do that over there either. This really isn’t a good time for me to try something right now. No genuine movement toward something different. Just the pressure removed while the identity of someone who wants the thing stays intact. I want the thing. I just don't want to do anything about it right now. So here I sit.
The honest version is somewhat harder. It sounds like this. I keep saying I want X. But when I look at my actual decisions, I don't want to do what X requires. So, I'm going to stop telling myself and everyone else that I want it. Not because I'm giving up forever but because, until I'm ready to actually pursue it, I'm going to stop spending energy wanting it and put that energy toward something I'm actually willing to work for. I am someone who is making deliberate decisions on what I work on and toward, rather than someone who defaults to doing nothing.
That's not defeat. That's the kindest thing you can do for yourself. And it is genuinely hard to do because it requires admitting something most people would rather not admit.
But- here’s the most important thing if you only take one thing away today – as soon as you stop pretending you really want X and admit you aren’t willing to let go of those limitation – all that energy you’re spending on the wanting and wishing and lamenting will be freed up and you will be surprised at how much of it will all of a sudden turn to energy you could use to start pursuing something…. Funny how that works.
So here is the personal inventory this episode is asking you to take.
What are you actually pursuing right now? Not what do you say you're pursuing. What do your actual decisions reveal?
When you sit down to make something are you oriented toward the present moment - make a thing with what I know – and in times of stress or health or anxiety – that is absolutely the best place to be-
Or toward a future version of yourself - learn something from this session that makes the next one better? Test my edge a bit, learn something I didn’t know before, find a limitation and then plan to break it? Also a good way to go.
For the things you say you want but aren't pursuing - are you genuinely deciding they're not worth the effort? Or are you arguing for your limitations while keeping the identity of someone who really wants them?
And an extra little tip here: The energy spent wanting something you're not actually pursuing - talking about it, thinking about it, feeling guilty about not doing it (there’s a big one!) that’s not free. It’s spending something real on something that isn't going anywhere. And that energy could be going somewhere else that’s more meaningful for you.
The honest version of self-care, in this context, is telling yourself the truth about what you actually want to pursue and what you're willing to let go of. Both of those require something from you. Neither of them is easy. But one of them is the foundation on which a genuine, rewarding and healthy practice can be built.
Two things to take out of this conversation.
Next time you sit down to make something or start thinking about what you want to do - ask yourself which one you're doing. Doing or pursuing. You don't have to answer to anyone else. But answer yourself honestly.
If you have a big idea you want, are your actions pointing to it, and the growth it requires. Or are your actions pointed to keeping busy and staying right where you are for the moment, just pretending to point at it. Both valid as long as you know that and are willing to make that distinction honestly.
Now pick one thing you keep saying you want. Look at your actual decisions around it. Are you pursuing it or are you arguing for why you can't? If you're pursuing it - keep going. Small steps add up- and frankly that’s the best way to do it.
If you're arguing - either start making the decisions that close that gap or take it off the table and stop spending energy on it. Perfectly reasonable as long as you are intentionally making that choice rather than handing your power over to circumstance.
I won’t wrestle your limitations away from you. No one will. But when you're ready to want the better thing more than you want to keep the limitation, you'll feel it, deep inside and it will be easy.
That's it.
Come back next week when we look at the argument that the exhaustion is real, but the cause is chosen. Interesting stuff. I’ll see you next week.
